Fake Prayers with my Jihadi Family: from Samat in Pakistan
I am a 23-year old Ex-Muslim in Pakistan who has been living underground for almost two years now. I say I’m underground instead of "in the closet," because underground is where I feel I’ve been for the past two years: I have an ‘Islamist’ family.
My uncle is a convicted terrorist. He was with the Taliban. I have a cousin who is a recruiter for ISIS in a village where I have other relatives on my mother's side. Many people in that same village morally and financially support some Islamist militant groups in Pakistan. Things are not so good on my father’s side as well, since my parents were distant relatives before they got married. I used to be the same as my militant family members. I used to be an admirer of Osama bin Laden. I had plans to join Hamas when I was 18 or 19, but I ended up losing my faith, for a variety of reasons.
I still go the mosque, to fake prayers. I do my best to pretend to fast in Ramadan. I help slay the goat at Eid. This is something you just can’t get used to. You can’t get used to hiding your identity all the time, because you are afraid that if you come out, you will get physically harmed for it. You can’t get used to constant fear. If there was no death penalty for apostasy under Islamic law that many Muslims (including my family) believe in, I wouldn’t be hiding my identity. I would only get disowned if that were the case. One can get over social ostracization in my opinion, but once you’re dead, you’re dead.
Previously my aim in life was Jihad and martyrdom. Now, it’s to get out of Pakistan somehow. I don’t think I can hide my identity forever. Not with these family members. I have been approached by the recruiter in my mother’s village to join ISIS. The recruiters present you with a warped, binary perspective of world politics, framing it in terms of Muslim vs Non-Muslim and they justify this worldview with a plethora of Quranic verses, hadith and their explanations. I’ve refused to join, mentioning half-forgotten peaceful verses in the Quran in an attempt to delegitimize ISIS in religious terms. Other times, I’ve said I’ll study Islam myself and then decide.
I know my pretense can’t last forever. Will I be faking prayers, faking fasting in Ramadan 10 years from today? Will I always be watching over my shoulder, concerned that nobody in the family finds out there’s an apostate in the family? Some classmates of mine from University know I’m an atheist and the news about my apostasy seems to be spreading around in my social circle. I have to get out, sooner or later. I’d rather die trying to get out than get caught my family…or the state for that matter. Officially, atheists don’t exist in Pakistan. We are an unrecognized minority. There have been cases where the state has imprisoned atheists in Pakistan over blasphemy charges. (1) Talks about apostasy bills have taken place in government (2). But my biggest fear is getting assaulted by a mob or physically beaten by family members. Even the accusation of apostasy can get you in serious danger (3). I was almost lynched once for eating in public in Ramadan. I had to beg people around me to forgive me and that I won’t eat again while others are fasting.
I’m uncertain about my future here and the uncertainty can be unnerving at times. I like to take comfort in the fact that, one way or another, this will end, eventually.
Samat,
Pakistan
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